Starting Over
Life keeps moving. Ready or not. You laugh. You cry. Sometimes at the same time. My children started to grow up. I went back to school to finish my degree. I started seeing the world through new eyes. My marriage didn’t survive the changes.
So at 45 I was closing on my own home. Memories seemed to splash over me. Two years building a new life. Starting over. Wondering how things got so bad. People start out in love with each other and build a life and spend energy on each other and make babies. Then they end up sad and angry and so much worse.
How far I had come as I tried to shed the pain of a 20 year marriage that should have ended many years sooner. So many years feeling like I had no choices. This day was a stepping stone to my new life, to a new me. I could become anyone I wanted to, but didn’t know who that was.
By the way, my new home has pink carpet! I bask in the knowledge that I can have all the candles I ever wanted and I can hang pictures if I want to. Or maybe I don’t want to hang anything that would scar the perfection of these walls in my new sanctuary. I turn up country music as loud as I can possibly stand it and dance all around the house. I laugh. I think I’ll go look at my closet again. Then I think about the new comforter I bought for my bed. I am in love with this space and part of me understands this is the next step in my journey.
I have declared this Life Part 2 since the day I was divorced. I can do all of the things I used to daydream about. Like having people over to drink wine or joining a gym and taking yoga classes. Life Part 2 is such a beautiful daydream come true. I should be scared, but I am not. Only feeling excited and free.
I try not to think about how difficult this is for my children. I don’t want anything to take away from this perfect day. My children, both over 18, have seen how things are between their father and I for a long time. But they are still struggling. I try not to feel guilt over staying so long because I stayed for them.
But today is mine! When this song is over I will turn up cello or violin music and sit in the midst of the sound. I will smile. And maybe cry. Tears of happiness and a little fear and sadness for my children and for years lost. But no regrets today.
In Life Part 2, I might be home a few minutes late and there will be no yelling and…. But no, there is no being a few minutes late. I can do whatever I want to! Oh and I can do it when I want to. I feel like laughing out loud. Then I do.
I call my sister. My beautiful sister who has loved and supported me and told me things I didn’t want to hear or acknowledge. Like the day she told me she was worried about my safety and that there were guns in my house. My beautiful sister who has saved my life since the day I had to pack a suitcase and didn’t know what to do next for myself or my daughter. My sister who drove all night from Cheyenne to hug me and help me find a motel room. But that is all in the past and not to be thought about today. Not this day! Not on a day when I am about to live in my very own town home with pink carpet and can do anything I want to.
I wish you could see this closet. It is really the most fabulous closet ever. A room you can walk into. Beautiful shelves that will be full of beautiful shoes because I can have as many shoes as I want to. It happens to be part of my new master suite that is all just for me. I can get up in the morning and turn on all the lights and music if I want to and figure out what to wear. I stop and remember the woman who used the hall closet for her clothes and left the lights off and tip-toed around in the mornings. Waking up someone could be an ugly way to start the day.
I’ve always wanted to listen to opera music and go to the opera. Wait. I can do that if I want to. I can turn it up as loud as I can stand it. The music will wash over me and remind me of my freedom. In this very moment I can’t imagine that anyone could have anything more amazing than my life!
My sister is here now instead of Cheyenne. She will be coming over soon to help me celebrate. We will eat popcorn for dinner and drink wine and two step around my new home. Life part 2 has no rules unless I make them up. It’s a beautiful feeling. Rules were important in the past. Better not to make waves or be late. I wonder again how I had become that woman. It happens gradually. Easier to go along than start something ugly. Easier to show everyone that your life is perfect. Pretty soon you convince yourself it is.
Today is about looking to the next step! Soon friends will come over to help me celebrate. I can’t wait to share a special night with the amazing women who have embraced me and supported me. Women who have their own stories. I can’t imagine how it would have been without them. I am ready to roll up my sleeves and go about the business of building a new life in a new home. A new home with pink carpet and a beautiful closet and filled with laughter.
P.S. My sister and I did go to the opera and it was amazing! Yoga is now part of my daily routine and I hope to be teaching it by the end of the year. Life keeps moving. Ready or not. You laugh. You cry. Sometimes at the same time.